I recently retired from the St. Paul, Minnesota Public School District after more than thirty years of teaching. Looking back on my career, I find that one of my life’s best decisions was to go into education. I have thoroughly enjoyed my career and the students in my classroom. I have continued my career in education by having the honor of teaching students in the education department at Hamline University, which is also located in Minnesota’s capital city.

For years now we have heard how the field of education struggles to attract quality teachers. I am thrilled to say that I believe this is definitely not the case at Hamline. Since teaching at the University, I have been encouraged and inspired by our education students. I find them to be committed, passionate, and dedicated to a career of helping children grow and learn. Teaching classes to this group of education students has been refreshing. I believe that if the quality of students at Hamline is any indication of the type of students the field is attracting nationally then our children are in good hands.

• How can I get kids to do what I want them to do?
  They just don’t seem to care.
• How can I get kids to talk to me?
  They never seem to listen.
• How can I get kids to like me?
  They act like I’m worthless.

These are questions and responses we hear frequently from parents and teachers. They want to know how to connect with kids. Our success in working with children comes from a simple concept that’s rooted in a complex skill set: If we want to connect with kids, we first have to show them that they matter to us.

“Children don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”

Kids don’t care what skills, talents, wisdom or experiences we want to share with them until they know that we care about them. Sounds simple enough but how does one go about showing kids that we care about them? One thing is for sure: it’s not about just telling them.

We have found several behaviors that have worked for us in creating caring relationships with kids. These work with kids of most any age, though some modifications may be in order to maximize the connection with different aged kids.

1. Listen more than you talk. Make sure that during short or long interactions with kids that you are letting them talk more than you are. That might mean you have to save up some of your comments for another interaction but in the long run, kids will feel heard.
2. Physically get down to kids’ level. Squat or sit down when talking with them. Don’t just bend over but assume a collaborative position during conversations or interactions.
3. Make appropriate eye contact. Know when to look kids right in the eye but also know when to look away. Too much eye contact may be interpreted as scrutiny. A downward glance can often suggest thinking about what they are saying and minimize the chance that you are staring at them.
4. Make appropriate physical contact. Dr. Peter Alsop, a wonderful entertainer of kids and adults, once said that kids need to experience appropriate touch from adults if they are to be able to know what inappropriate touch is. Much sensitivity must go into this item as many kids (and adults) are very uncomfortable with touch. We have found that putting out one’s hands, palms up, can invite a handshake, hand embrace or hand slap. The same goes for the “high five” motion of raising one’s hand, though the expectation of the reciprocal behavior can also seem to push the connection too soon. Hugs, squeezes, and other more direct gestures of affection can also be off-putting and can often backfire. Sometime a gentle shoulder bump, foot tap or arm pat can be used to convey affection with boundaries.
5. Finally, smile. We’re amazed at how difficult this is for many people to use in a genuine way with kids. Finding that smile that says, “I’m glad to be with you right now” is neither passive nor condescending. A gentle, authentic facial gesture of affection is a powerful tool for communication, and not only with kids.

Showing kids that you care about them, about who they are (not just what they do) may be the most important skill set for adults who wish to engage kids. Notice the adults around you who seem to connect with kids. We’ll bet that they have mastered this fine art of conveying affection with boundaries. It’s a form of intimacy between an adult and a child and it carries a power that goes in both directions.

We believe a teacher’s response to classroom management should continually model respect.

A couple months ago we wrote in our blog how teachers often misuse the Responsive Classroom procedure of “take a break” by publicly admonishing a child to go to time out. We continued by saying that it is important to model respect even in times of conflict by quietly and calmly using this procedure.

We believe a teacher’s response to classroom management should be predictable.

The technique of “take a break” advocated by the authors of Responsive Classroom is not always practiced in a predictable way either. A teacher often barks out “take a break” based on their mood or frustration level and what frustrates a teacher one day may not on another. When this happens, the teacher response becomes unpredictable because it is predicated by the teacher’s mood.

We believe a teacher’s response to classroom management should separate the child from the child’s behavior.

Similarly, certain students (often based on the teacher’s history) frustrate teachers more quickly and they are faster to respond to these students with the words “take a break.” When a teacher is inconsistent in their use of “take a break” and bases its usage on the child, then the teacher is not separating the child from their behavior. The message delivered is that it is the child who is not acceptable not the behavior. When teachers do this they deliver the message that there are good kids and bad kids. If a student feels like they have been labeled a “bad kid,” how could he/she learn new behaviors from their teacher?

We believe a teacher’s response to classroom management should help the child reflect upon and begin to accept responsibility for their behavior.

When a teacher yells out “take a break,” the student probably won’t be sitting in the break chair thinking about his/her behavior, but is more likely thinking about the teacher!

So how can we still use the Responsive Classroom’s “take a break” procedure in a way that is more predictable, separates the behavior from the child, and helps students think about their behavior?

The answer is offering choices. When students are demonstrating continual behaviors and have not responded to the teacher’s cues (see last month’s blog), it is time to deliver a choice. The choice might sound like this: “I am having a hard time helping your classmates. Your choice is to either do your work quietly so I can help everyone or if you continue to disturb your classmates or me you will have to take a break. I hope you decide to work quietly with the class.”

At this time the teacher walks away so that the student is left thinking about what he/she is going to do, not about what the teacher is going to do. If the child continues the behavior or another disruptive behavior they are quietly sent to the “take a break” chair (predictable for all students). By first delivering a choice, teachers help students think about their behavior and make a choice regarding what they want to do. It is the thinking that will cause students to learn to accept responsibility for their own behavior.

Research has shown that teachers lose up to 50% of their teaching time ineffectively dealing with students who are engaged in small, annoying time-wasting behaviors. At times, it is the teacher’s mismanagement of these behaviors that can often cause them to escalate into larger, full-blown confrontations.

As part of ChildSense’s four level system for using positive behavioral interventions in the classroom, Minimal Interventions follow Planned Ignoring as the second step in MORE TIME TO TEACH. This level refers to the non-confrontive cues or reminders we use with students who are engaging in these smaller “time wasting” behaviors. Many of us already use these techniques such as:

• Proximity
• Wait time
• Gestures
• Secret signals

What is perhaps different about the way we suggest using them is to think about them as reminders or cues for students who may have lost their focus or have forgotten about what they are supposed to be doing. While giving them this “benefit of the doubt” regarding their intent may seem counter-intuitive when students are disrupting our teaching, it creates a dynamic that reduces the potential for confrontation.

Imagine a student who is humming, blurting out comments, looking out the window or engaging other time wasting behaviors. A teacher can either continue with their teaching and offer a moment of wait time or use proximity by standing closer to that student while delivering their instruction with little disruption to their teaching.

Compare that to the teacher who stops the teaching for the rest of the class to confront the time wasting student by staring at them, publicly addressing them, tapping loudly on their desk, etc. Now the rest of the class is waiting to see what the student or the teacher will do next. Often the student will respond with something similar to the following: WHAT? WHAT DID I DO? And now a full confrontation has begun.

Minimal interventions are not meant to force or coerce a student into changing their behavior. They are designed to REMIND them. Often, the difference between these intentions can be subtle, as in the teacher response of gently touching the desk of a student or tapping loudly on it. The behaviors may look similar but actually have a different message behind them. Similar to putting a finger up to one’s lips in a gesture meaning “quiet,” when a teacher instead draws that finger horizontally across their throat accompanied by a grimace, that gesture now becomes a threat and invites confrontation.

Minimal interventions, when used systematically, are an integral part of any teacher’s positive behavior intervention process. Regaining lost teaching time while avoiding confrontation: a nuanced skill for the master teacher.

As many teachers know, one of the key components of the Responsive Classroom Program is the “Take a Break.” It is designed to restore a learning environment and to help students gain self-control quietly while allowing them to maintain their dignity with their classmates.

We believe maintaining students’ dignity is critical if one hopes to change behavior. We have observed many teachers utilize the “take a break” in a way that effectively preserves the child’s dignity.

We have also witnessed teachers who bark out the words “take a break” more quickly with particular students. Teachers have to be careful to continually make this request in a calm voice that does not express irritation. When teachers express irritation, they do not preserve the dignity of the student and send a powerful message to the other students that their classmate is “trouble.”

As the school year begins, many teachers are looking for resources to address the need for positive behavioral support for students and ways to work effectively in partnership with parents. We’re excited to announce the release of three new video products from the MORE TIME TO TEACH series that will assist educators in these areas. They are all designed for general/special education teachers, administrators, and university instructors. Watch for them to appear on our website, www.childsense.net.

MANAGING CONFLICT: Escalating or De-escalating

When teachers and students are in conflict, the teacher’s response will often determine whether the situation escalates or de-escalates. MANAGING CONFLICT WITH STUDENTS gives teachers the tools to respond to conflict situations in a way that keeps problems small. This descriptive DVD will help to reduce classroom disruptions, improve school atmosphere, and bring the joy back to teaching.

OFFERING CHOICES: When Behavior Problems Persist

Teachers often become angry or frustrated after making repeated requests for students to stop their disruptive behaviors. OFFERING CHOICES gives teachers the skills to remain calm and eliminate the need to constantly remind students. This enlightening DVD will help educators teach students responsibility as well as help themselves avoid the frustration of dealing with repeated misbehaviors.

WORKING WITH CHALLENGING PARENTS: Confrontation or Collaboration

When teachers are challenged by parents, their responses can become defensive, dismissive or divisive. This only seems to cause situations to get worse. WORKING WITH CHALLENGING PARENTS gives teachers the skills to respond to challenging parents in a confident manner that builds relationships. This entertaining DVD will help to create a collaborative community between school and parents to best help the child.

Dear teacher, I‘m a ten year old boy. This fall I will be in your fourth grade class. I have many interests including reading, baseball, computer games, and more. I also have cerebral palsy. I am in a wheel chair. My parents told me that in 1975 a law was passed called Public Law 94-142 or the mainstreaming law. The law was designed to help people who have disabilities be included with children without disabilities. I guess that is why I will be in your class and not in a room for special education kids.

The trouble is I do not always feel included at school. I have an adult helper who helps me with some of the things I need to do. She always sits by me. She is very nice and I know her and she knows me pretty well.

Unfortunately, I feel like she is my real teacher and I am her student. My real teachers barely pay attention to me. When they do, they often talk to me like I am a little kid and don’t understand what they are saying. The trouble is, I do understand.

Most of the time my teachers seem to only pay attention to my classmates and I’m left alone with my teacher helper. It gets pretty lonely. I don’t think this is what my parents meant by “included” because I sure don’t feel a part of things. My request is this year I want to be a part of your class. I want to be your student!

Have a great rest of the summer. See you in school!

Sincerely,

Your 4th Grade Student

How does it feel when a student challenges you or gets in your face? Threatened? Insulted? Do you feel mad, afraid or embarrassed? How is your response to that student driven by those feelings? Do you give a forceful response? A timid one? An angry one?

When students are in conflict with teachers, it’s natural to have a strong emotional reaction. How do teachers prevent that reaction from causing their own responses to escalate the intensity of the interaction rather than reduce it to a manageable level?

Think of how adults learn to integrate cognition to override other emotional responses. For example, when we were children, many of us had certain fears, such as fears of thunderstorms, barking dogs, or bees. When exposed to those situations our reaction may have been to panic, causing us to flee, hide, or swat at the bees. As we aged and developed experience, we learned that those situations might not have posed the dangers that we perceived (although that knowledge may not have eliminated our fears). When we realized that the bees were not interested in stinging us, they were just looking for food, other bees, or their hive, we learned to tell ourselves to remain still while waiting for the bee to fly away. We learned to train our thoughts to override our feelings and to delay our emotional reaction until the perceived danger was gone.

As teachers we can do the same thing. When in conflict with a student, we can tell ourselves that questioning authority is a natural part of child development and that we are not in any danger. Recognizing this, we can remain calm and provide a more thoughtful response. We may present the student with choices, consequences, or distractions or even choose to ignore them. We do not need to respond with increased forcefulness, greater hostility, sarcasm, or other behaviors that are likely to escalate the conflict.

Teachers are adults, complete with the wisdom of experience. Children are only in the process of developing experience. Armed with that awareness, we can train ourselves to respond more effectively to children.

As we continue to do our work with teachers, we are aware of how tired everyone seems to be by this time of year. These last few months have brought on extra pressures for many of us. Most districts are experiencing personnel and education cuts. Being a teacher is difficult even in the best of times. Most people could not do what we accomplish as teachers.

We would like to remind all of you that our jobs as teachers are difficult and that we need to make sure to take time for ourselves and to recognize our efforts and accomplishments. Teaching is the noblest profession.

Louisville, Kentucky. We’d never been there before. We were honored to be asked to visit St. Francis High School in downtown Louisville to share some of our ideas with parents from the community and with the St. Francis faculty. Both groups brought a lot of enthusiasm to our seminars, discussing issues and asking questions, many of which we had not heard before.

St. Francis has a strong parent group supporting the efforts of the school. We were thrilled to meet them as well as parents representing other schools in the area. Our presentation focused on the importance and challenges of setting limits for children of all ages. While it helps to begin setting those boundaries when children are young, we agreed that it’s never to late to give our children the gift of following through when they test us. When kids know they can trust us to keep our word, even when it means holding them accountable, it creates an environment of safety and predictability; a place where growing children and teens can thrive.

The St. Francis faculty is an amazing group of diverse professionals. The school director proudly shared the accomplishments of these master teachers. We were impressed by their genuine commitment to the school’s philosophy of teaching students how to THINK. This philosophy aligns so well with ours. We believe that the key to classroom management is to teach kids how to take responsibility for themselves. When students push boundaries in a way that requires a teacher intervention, we want to make sure our response to their behavior doesn’t cause more of a disruption that their behavior does. We do this by offering a response that causes students to THINK, not react. In this way, we avoid the likelihood of having behaviors escalate while preserving the dignity of the student.The teachers at St. Francis shared our commitment to treating students in this manner and raised many other questions about how to achieve this within their unique environment.

We’re grateful to those who brought us to Louisville to work with these wonderful groups of people and we’re looking forward to having an opportunity to return to this exciting and vibrant city.